I was called over to my neighbors house today to look at some things that she was sorting through for an auction... Dee has always been there for me when times were crazy .... if the boys got a cut or had a symptom I was concerned about.. she was the first person I would go to... in a moment of crisis.. she always was the voice of calmness...She and her husband had settled into this area perhaps some fifteen yrs ago.. before I moved into the home that I am now in... their little farm laid directly across the road from our home..

Both her and her husband Jesse decided to retire in this area... out in the middle of nowhere... where she could grow her flowers and fruits and veggies... and he could ride his horses... It was a second marriage for the both of them.. and you could tell.. they were so in love... they doted on each other so much... the talks that we had over coffee... she would tell me stories of her struggles being a single mother before Jesse walked into her life.....and gave me courage to try to make some sense of my own.

In the process of my marriage completely crumbling and heading for divorce... Jesse became sick......and I would go over from time to time to talk to Dee... first it was as stroke... and he seemed to rebound.... still wanting to work on the farm.. and tinker with his cars... he loved working with his hands.. and then there was another... and another stroke... I would go to visit him in the nursing home while he was recovering from time to time.. and he always had that silly smile on his face... trying to crack a joke... she would stand by his side sometimes brushing his hair back... taking a tissue to wipe his face from time to time... and just smile at him.. never showing her fear.. but at night when she went home... it would hit her.. and we would sometimes talk about her and my shaky futures... and how fast our lives seem to be changing..

Jess finally passed away a couple of months ago... I had passed Dee leaving my home one day in the road.. and she said.. he is not well.. it is not long... and was told the next day he had passed away... I watched this woman shakily put together words she felt for this man to her family and friends that surrounded her... and could see the fog that she was in... myself surrounded in my own fog of trying to get this divorce over with... and I wanted to enfold her.. and tell her it was ok... we had a convo after he passed...and she said I can't believe he is gone.. the house is so empty and the nights are the worst... but the other night... I looked up in the sky... and it was full of stars... and she said u know the constellation that looks like a horse...???... I know that is where Jesse lies..he is riding that constellation.. and watching over me... and waiting ... for me.. How can someone hear that and not feel the love ..?

As I stood in her garage today... she would hand me various items... and ask if was interested in them... she wanted to pass away things to neighbors before the auctioneer came in... since if they didn't sell they would be boxed and sent to goodwill anyway..

I was struck by the sense of Jess in the air....his tools... bits of his past... cowboy gear... a hat from hooters..lol... all his belts with the big buckles.. from riding horses... and I just sighed... so sad .. this man so full of life... now gone and all that seemed to remain were boxes.. all stacked up...Sad also for her to have to sell their dream retirement home.. and his horses... and auction off the farm equipment and tools that were left behind... She like myself was not sure how to fix anything in the house now....and we laughed about how it was the little things that sometimes were the most difficult right now... she didn't even know where her septic tank was located.. she had depended on him soo much...

She mentioned that everything should be completed and sold by the end of next month... and I told her I believed the divorce would be final by then... and I reflected on what my life would be like... having lost Jesse... and now watching Dee move away... to be closer to her children and grandchildren... and looked at the boxes that surrounded me... she and I seemed to be surrounded with goodbyes and boxes... on different levels to be sure... but the same sadness laid in the air..

It then struck me ... I was now the single mother struggling to raise children... that she talked about ...in her stories...and though I know how hard it was for her... she was so rewarded... and Jesse as well... they managed to find each other... and share such a great love..and even though there was sadness in the air... it gave me hope at what I was about to face.. that perhaps someday.. I might be blessed with a relationship like that.. as I mentioned in another blog... when one door closes another opens... and hers years ago opened to a relationship with the love of her life.. she had told me he was on many occasions... and now she was closing the door on that to open the door to a world with her children and grandchildren... in a quiet little community in Michigan.

And yet through it all she felt... she had never really lost him... that he was riding that constellation.. watching her... waiting...

What a wonderful bond those two shared.... and I hope someday... there will be a bond like that waiting for me... through the next open door....

I hope that those that read this... and see the sorrow that has gone on... will also see the beauty in him riding that constellation... and note that although a person that you love so dearly is gone... they are always there in some form...even if it is inside your heart..and realize the wonders that lay behind the open doors of our lives...

© Grace Callihan
2006